If you grew up in a difficult family, you’ll understand this. Each family has it’s own software so to speak, it’s own program. You are born into the program. You’ve been assigned a role. It’s an unspoken title you wear throughout your entire life … unless you find a way to break out. And, yes, you can break free from the assigned family roles. But what do you do when you’re middle aged and still feel stuck in your old family assignments?
Maybe you were assigned to be the picker-upper. The one who has to keep the home in order, whereas other family members have free time to explore their interests, you are stuck with a broom and a mop to play Cinderella all day long. What about the counselor best friend role to someone way older than you? That’s like parentification. Being told things that are not age-appropriate to build a closeness with an older relative. But it’s not appropriate. You see there are many roles we get assigned when we are young and don’t have options.
Some get assigned the role of the crazy one because they fight the family system and stand up when others just go along. The roles stick to you like a label, for the rest of the relationship. For those who want to break free, there is hope. It’s called “differentiation” … basically you get to define who you are. Not the family. Not the label that was applied to you. For example: if you are Leader but your family put you in a box of being a Follower, well that’s how they see you. And likely that won’t change. It’s not your job to change how they see you. It’s your job to change how YOU see you!
Determine for yourself the type of person you choose to be. You see you’ve got a choice. Even if you are over 50 years old. Quick story: years ago I was shopping with an older person who was looking for toothpaste. Every product at eye-level was expensive. I asked “do you like any of these?” They put their head down and said “I can’t afford it”. I went to the lower shelving for more affordable options and said “We’re gonna find you some toothpaste!” That might seem silly but here’s the point: they put their head down in shame, acknowledged they didn’t have the money to get the product. It was heartbreaking. They were old. They were in the beginning stages of being “forgotten” by their own family and on the fast track to being abused and discarded. 1 small act of kindness changed the course of that person’s day. That’s who I chose to be in the moment.
How to break out of the role you may not want anymore? Say no. When family tells you, or guilts you, or pushes you into a corner then that’s your opportunity to decline. Say to them what they easily say to you. Things like: “I have plans”. Have you ever been let down by someone you consistently showed up for and they did not reciprocate when you needed their help? Count it as a Blessing because that’s the perfect opportunity to say no when they later expect you to do something for them. Sometimes you can shift the weight so to speak in the relationship. Other times it may come to cutting ties. I’ve personally done both.
Remember this: you cannot be rescued by someone who has consistently used and abused you. The abuser is who they are. They don’t get to be the savior. Know who the people are in your life. If you are fortunate to have kind and good people surrounding you then you are Blessed beyond measure. For the rest of us, life may have been very different. Say no to the people who want to keep you boxed-in. If they want to keep you small, keep you stuck, it’s because they benefit from it. Find those that truly want you to thrive. The world is a big place and families are not all good. But you can still have a good life even if the family of origin was not good to you.
