If you grew up in a difficult family, you’ll understand this. Each family has it’s own software so to speak, it’s own program. You are born into the program. You’ve been assigned a role. It’s an unspoken title you wear throughout your entire life … unless you find a way to break out. And, yes, you can break free from the assigned family roles. But what do you do when you’re middle aged and still feel stuck in your old family assignments?
Maybe you were assigned to be the picker-upper. The one who has to keep the home in order, whereas other family members have free time to explore their interests, you are stuck with a broom and a mop to play Cinderella all day long. What about the counselor best friend role to someone way older than you? That’s like parentification. Being told things that are not age-appropriate to build a closeness with an older relative. But it’s not appropriate. You see there are many roles we get assigned when we are young and don’t have options.
Some get assigned the role of the crazy one because they fight the family system and stand up when others just go along. The roles stick to you like a label, for the rest of the relationship. For those who want to break free, there is hope. It’s called “differentiation” … basically you get to define who you are. Not the family. Not the label that was applied to you. For example: if you are Leader but your family put you in a box of being a Follower, well that’s how they see you. And likely that won’t change. It’s not your job to change how they see you. It’s your job to change how YOU see you!
Determine for yourself the type of person you choose to be. You see you’ve got a choice. Even if you are over 50 years old. Quick story: years ago I was shopping with an older person who was looking for toothpaste. Every product at eye-level was expensive. I asked “do you like any of these?” They put their head down and said “I can’t afford it”. I went to the lower shelving for more affordable options and said “We’re gonna find you some toothpaste!” That might seem silly but here’s the point: they put their head down in shame, acknowledged they didn’t have the money to get the product. It was heartbreaking. They were old. They were in the beginning stages of being “forgotten” by their own family and on the fast track to being abused and discarded. 1 small act of kindness changed the course of that person’s day. That’s who I chose to be in the moment.
How to break out of the role you may not want anymore? Say no. When family tells you, or guilts you, or pushes you into a corner then that’s your opportunity to decline. Say to them what they easily say to you. Things like: “I have plans”. Have you ever been let down by someone you consistently showed up for and they did not reciprocate when you needed their help? Count it as a Blessing because that’s the perfect opportunity to say no when they later expect you to do something for them. Sometimes you can shift the weight so to speak in the relationship. Other times it may come to cutting ties. I’ve personally done both.
Remember this: you cannot be rescued by someone who has consistently used and abused you. The abuser is who they are. They don’t get to be the savior. Know who the people are in your life. If you are fortunate to have kind and good people surrounding you then you are Blessed beyond measure. For the rest of us, life may have been very different. Say no to the people who want to keep you boxed-in. If they want to keep you small, keep you stuck, it’s because they benefit from it. Find those that truly want you to thrive. The world is a big place and families are not all good. But you can still have a good life even if the family of origin was not good to you.
This is so true but hard to do, for me anyway because what family I do have I put up with stuff to keep them in my life
I totally can understand. People are a resource. We all need help and families can be that help. You have to do what is best for you and no one can decide that except you!
Oh Sarah…have you been peeking through the hedges watching my life???? I love my mom dearly but she is an abusive narcissist. I have been physically, verbally and mentally abused by her my entire life. Out of 4 kids I am basically the only one who does anything for her. My brother will take her trash off every couple weeks but she never hears from 1 of my sister’s and about every month or so from the other. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t have any friends to spend time with but it’s her way or no way and people get tired of it. Just keep her in your prayers. At 83 she still lives in the past and every wrong thing in her life was my sperm donors or my fault.
Life can be really hard. It’s very difficult to love or care for difficult people. When I stepped away from the abuse, life improved. I understand what it’s like to be singled out as the problem by people (usually it’s a group effort). You gotta do what is within your Core Values and also protect yourself. Abusers only apologize to get something. Everything is a transaction with them. I understand they are “limited”. And some relationships remain limited from birth. I used to be very attractive, life beat me up and now I try to have a sense of humor with the aging process. But the wasted years I don’t get back. I had potential and it was completely wasted on people that harmed me. The more distant I remain, the more clearly I see what took place. It’s hard, because there is no justice. However, I hear there are courts in Heaven and if I make it there, I hope for a full court of justice for the wrong doings. I was over 40, when I realized someone beat me up. I just thought it was normal. And it didn’t look like the movies. I wasn’t all bruised up. The brain turns into a “trauma brain” when people hit you. If I could go back in time, I’d handle that very differently. I feel for your situation. I know it’s very hard.